We had Nyena, our roving reporter, looking out for funny and unusual names. Her article appears in the Fall 2014 edition. Since then, our magnificent and magnanimous Maven has been very, very busy so we asked Nooby-Doo to return and give us a report on the new, silly or clever, erudite or salacious, or just outright weird monikers players are creating to call themselves.

Hi! It’s been a long time since I’ve had the pleasure of reporting for you all. This assignment has taken me to several servers – Gilgamesh, Faerie, Siren, Chocobo and Zodiark, to be precise – and I have to say, Hyperion seems to take the prize for remarkable names.

So, how do you like Them Apples? Or are you fond of Huck El’berry pies? Both players should avoid culinarians, since they are most likely the ones to have names like Tapioca ExpressStrawberry Waffles and Pineapple Cheesecake. I hope that Huge McLarge acts as bodyguard for players like Lalafells Shrimp Chips and his most likely cohort Ketchup Chips.  I’m certain all acts of evil gathering are brought before Judge Mint.

I think these players could be part of the Moogle Mafia: Scummy Guy, Young Thug, Shaolin Muthafunk and Sticky Fingas. But as long as Hyperion has Sarah’jane Smith and Lois Lane, we know the good guys are around somewhere – like Otto Unstoppable. Of course, there are our heroes Bun’bun Force to come to the rescue.

Super villains must have their own Free Company somewhere, with such players as Allthevoices Inmyhead, Alaskan Assassin, Night Mouse, Crackhead Withafelony, Cyanide ExploderPatient ZeroDocdoom Goodfellow and Acid Overdose wandering around (mostly at night.)  I’ll withhold judgement on Chaz Nasty, who might well be related to our own Vik Vicious.

Evidently there are teenagers – most likely males – who want boobs. The many variations of slang names referring to female breasts is staggering. But you can be sure that Hooty McBoob and Hooty Hoo do not hang out with Erectile Dysfunction, more likely they bar-hop with Lil’ Vagna  in search of Anesthetic Brew. And, do I need to give an explanation of Tea Baggins?

I think a Zoo is also a likely rest stop for Persnickety Panda, Strawberry DogLlama Love and Booda Bear. Iddy Biddy and Wibbles Dagreat sound like names for pet hamsters (yup, Lalafells both of them!) I hope Cyrillo Rongway does not give anybody directions. Former Disney child star Meowly Cyrus is probably pals with Twinkle Belle. And I think I hear Lady Giggles singing “The Hills Are Alive” in Coerthas. The reason behind the name of Nugs Boodlepoo should remain private, I think.

But, my two favorite names are these: Lalafell Sweet Butt and his chocobo, named Ass Flapper.  Third and fourth place go to Cara Mel and her chocobo Eclair. Until next time, remember: “Do as Doo says, not as Doo does!”

Chaos Theory is a Final Fantasy 14 Free Company on the Hyperion Server. Our mission is to provide a safe, friendly home free of elitism that provides its members a structure in which to participate in all Eorzea has to offer.

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